La Piazza

Published by Ana Etxebarria, 26th July 2012

A few days ago I experienced a situation that most parents will probably face, especially when children become teenagers. One of my nephews boasted on a social network of having taken his first alcoholic drink and smoked his first cigarette. He is 12 years old. I still do not know, and doubt that I will ever know, if it was a big boy bravado or fact. But nevertheless, this led to a family dilemma with a complex solution.

Should we spy on them or not?

In a world where six year old kids play with strangers online, 10 year olds already have smartphones and 13 year olds (or younger) have profiles on Facebook, it may seem tempting to think that the best weapon parent have to defend our children from any potential danger is spying. Now to be fair, children should always know that we are watching their moves. That is, we would have to be those uncomfortable and unwanted “friends” whose invitation they have no choice but to accept. As discussed here a few months ago, Mom, were you spying on me?, if it were our case, at least we should not forget the “etiquette” with them.

How much should we spy our kids?

Asking to be his “friends” on Facebook is a truly subtle and honest way of espionage. A step beyond, there are  programs which will allow us to know exactly the content of SMS exchanges with friends, the exact pages they are browsing and the time they spend in each one of them or in chat conversations.

Yet this attitude is at odds with the concept of a father who naturally trusts his son, who teaches him to be a responsible adult and that, without reasons for it, nothing can justify an intrusion of this kind in the private life of anyone, let alone their children’s. The objective of this somewhat unrealistic group, is not to ignore the habits of their children when they are online but to limit the use of all electronic devices as much possible and postpone the purchase of smartphones for as long as possible. Encouraging outdoor activities is certainly a healthy lifestyle and the time spent on the Internet is decreased and therefore the risks associated with the network are reduced.

But then, Who is right? Who is wrong?

I believe that, as in any other aspect of life, common sense is the only tool to be applied. In order to raise confident and self-sufficient children, which deep down is the main desire of any parent, you must be able to mix all the ingredients properly. Basically a father is not very different from a cook and a tasty dish must have a liuttle bit of everything and everything in the right amount. You have to watch the cooking time but also let it cook at its pace. And of course every cook has his tricks and no dish is always the same.

What do you think?

Published by Ana Etxebarria, 11th May 2012

You always swore not be a controlling parent, promised not to spy on your children, you set yourself the objective to educate them to be responsible adults and yet, suddenly, one day you find yourself spying your preteen Facebook account … What happened?

To make matters worse, you make an unforgivable mistake. You make an informal comment on his wall, just like that, something about the shirt he is wearing in one of the pictures he has uploaded (you are certain that you have not bought the shirt) and this is where your little boy bursts in anger like a caveman and begins to accuse you of spying, of publicly embarrass him in front of his friends.

Your worry is normal. Yet, do not torture yourself, although your offspring thinks and so he constantly reminds you of it, you have not suddenly become an abominable being.

As much as you trust your children, when they reach a certain age, parents should be very much on top of things. But how can we do so without appearing to distrust or interfere too much on their privacy?

First of all, sit down with your child and let him know the first condition in your home when he uses social networks such as Facebook is that you are one of his “friends”. This conversation should aim to make him understand how important it is for you to be forward and honest, just the opposite of feeling spied on. Unless your relationship with your child is very special, under no circumstance should you comment on his photos or status updates. Do not make him feel ashamed, at this age these things can end up dramatically.

Sit with your child and review with him his profile and the configuration of his privacy policy (the latter is not easy, as they tend to change often and are relatively complex to understand. There is much information on the web, like the Facebook Security Center find out before if you’re not entirely sure).

Teach him to think the same way a cybercriminal would. Teens create web profiles to express themselves. They need to understand their own identities, and tell others. It’s part of growing up. But cyberspace can be dangerous. So make him realise how easily personal information can be shared with strangers and the dangers this entails.

It is much easier to be “permissive”, “tolerant” and “open” if we are confident that our, however much we are reluctant to admit, not-so-children, know the dangers that social networks involve. And of course, nobody better than us to teach them to mature. Demand them to behave in a grown-up way yet lead them by example!